Update

I wish I had more time, but I did figure I should at least let all of you know that we are here, we are safe, and it is hot.

We are currently shacked up at my parents' house where my 2 sisters are also currently living.

Boom Boom leaves tomorrow to get our stuff, and the humidity is messing with my keyboard so when he goes tomorrow, so does my main computer. Or the only one we have left, depending on who you ask.

So it may be a while before you hear from me again.

And if someone has a pad in Orlando they need lived in, we might be able to help you out.

We call them "Mood Swings"

It was another rough night. Eden is just going through a time, and in the bounds of this living space, there comes a point of crying it out that is too much for the rest of us to bear. Or sleep through. I was up several times with her last night, and then, when Boom Boom had woken up early to sneak out for a run, Madee woke up and cried and cried and cried and seriously I am in a hurricane of whining and crying lately.

And that is a lot of my daily existence.

And some times are harder than others. Because sometimes I just don't have the energy to attack a mountain of whining and crying and clouds and cold. Sometimes I just don't know how we are going to make it through the day.

And then I have some coffee. Take my Prozac. Hop on Twitter.

Read a little from this guy's website. Cry a little.

Hug my babies. Real hard.

And find that strength that isn't in me, but is just from somewhere else.

I pack a lunch, get the girls fed and dressed, and take them out in the world to show them things, even if we are just driving by them and pointing from the window as rain beats down on the truck.

It isn't easy to be the Mom.

But I also know that it isn't easy being them either, being Eden, dealing with the mouth pain, not being able to help herself to things she cannot reach, not being able to say what she already means. wanting everything that Madee has, not being able to walk yet, because she really wants to.

And it also isn't easy being Madee, being in this swirl of emotion and new reaches of awareness that just make everything confusing and strange and uncomfortable. Feeling out of control of things and events, but understanding more and more that she could control these things, or that she will at some point. Being told "NO!" all the time. Being thrust into sharing everything - her mom and dad, her toys, her dogs, her space, her time, her food, at a time when she is just discovering ownership and independence and individuality, yet is still vulnerable to feeling like or wanting to be a baby again.

And Boom Boom? Well it isn't easy being him either. I won't get into why, because he is old enough to tell you himself, but he is tired and stressed and dealing with his own things right now.

Oh, and there I go again avoiding talking about myself. I guess I am not in the best place right now. I don't want to talk about it, I just want out. Out of the funk, out of the fog from being so tired, out of the emotion that is 3 females taking turns crying in our house. And I don't want to talk about it because I hate to admit weakness. It is like once I do, things start getting worse and the crap starts to pile on to test just how much I can carry before I fall down. And it's little things.

It's all little things! (well, except the lack of sleep!) but seriously, things are looking up in so many realms that I should be enjoying those developments (moving to FL, upgrading my blog) and I just want to cry because Madee is helping herself to the refrigerator YET AGAIN for what is like her 4 or 5th yogurt in 24 hours, despite the fact that ask her not to help herself, despite the fact that I feed her in the morning, despite the fact that now I'm crying because I feel like I must not feed my GIGANTIC GODZILLA children enough.

So here goes my pep talk, welcome one and all, seriously, if you ever need a pep talk COME TO ME I am like a SUNSHINE ENEMA.

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I have a dream. And in my dream, my new BFF from twitter, who only lives 2 hours away, and I jump a plane for Vegas, buy gorgeous new clothes and go dancing and drinking and hustling gambling winnings from old bald men for MORE GORGEOUS CLOTHES and then end up renting Segways and chucking hot dogs at at the porn card flickers while drinking vodka tonics and chanting "Big Freaking Potato" all night. Then we go into a tattoo parlor and get a tramp stamp of loaded potatoes with bacon and cheese and then run by the chapel to become "blood sisters" in a ceremony presided by a big lady Elvis. Old Bloated Elvis, not the cute one.

And then we go bet all the rest of our money on Keno while eating chicken fried steak and drunk dialing everybody in our cell phone lists and then we win a BAZILLION dollars and BUY BLOGHER and we are the QUEENS OF THE BLOGOSPHERE and we run around arm in arm singing that "Schlameel Schlamozzle" song from Laverne and Shirley.

And now I've found it. I have my strength to make this a wonderful day.

All because of my new imaginary friend.

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

Alrighty kiddos! lets get out of the house!

The Situation

No this post is not about 'Jersey Shore", although we have taught the kids the fist pump.

A lot of people wonder what our "situation" is. I mean, the About Me kind of covers it, but there is really so much more.

My husband's company asked us to dock the RV and move to Duluth. I am still unsure of why, but I am going to go out on a limb here, and say it is because they don't know what to do with us and need to save some money.

On the one hand, we are set up in a "corporate apartment" in the Central Hillside, which is THE GHETTO. I love walking around the neighborhood while people play "Let's sound all violent and scare the white lady with the kids."

No I am not afraid. Mostly because I bottle ALOT of rage and have been waiting for years for someone to throw the first punch. Waaaaaaitiiiing! (I sang that.)

We have one bedroom. It is Madee's bedroom, and we take turns sleeping in there with her.
There is also a crappy twin mattress on the floor of the living room, so whoever doesn't get inthe big bed that night gets to lay on it and listen to the cops and ambulances and neighbors yelling, and in between that, whenever Eden wakes up crying in her playpen in the living room, "floor mattress parent" gets to deal with that.

Can I get a woot woot? I have been floor mattress parent 2 nights in a row.
Don't get me wrong, Boom Boom puts in his time and more.

This is not our ultimate goal, living here. But it gets me closer to my ultimate goal, living nearer to my family.

And for my selfish wants, I agreed to live like this, not even knowing what "this" is.

For the most part, I am all, "What?", because remember folks, before this, we were living in an RV (my bed was way less comfy than the floor mattress). Oh and the baby was waking EVERYBODY up then so this is not so bad.

On the one hand, I feel privileged that they are paying our rent, and that we have a place to live at all. I know there are many mommies out there who don't even have the internet, and I was one of them in the RV, so I am grateful for that.

So that is it. That is my situation. I would hate to say any more, because I hate it when I say things that come back to bite me in the ass. But if you know me at all, you know I NEVER RUN OUT OF THINGS TO SAY (unless I hate you).

SO my further silence is part self control, and part knowing my lack of self-control.

But Y'ALL, well y'all can say ANYTHING. You can say the things I can't say. And I am begging for you to be honest right here and right now.

I am praying that at least one of my internet/blogging/photography projects will one day be a saving grace for our household, but for now, I just have to teach my kids how to make the best of a situation, how to love each other in too little space, and how to love and work with what you've been given.

Even if it is basically the finger.

du jour

Ugh.

I have a migraine today. I remember when Madee was weaning I had a migraine for 2 weeks. Apparently the hormones are working their way back into a regular rhythm, but I just have to say that it is days like this when I really wish I had some help around here.

Madee is CONSTANTLY YAMMERING. Sometimes I know what she is saying, sometimes I don't, but she will not stop talking. Whoever said "you spend 18 months trying to teach them how to walk and talk and the next 18 years trying to get them to sit down and shut up" was only kind of kidding.

Seriously. I remember my dad telling me "5 minutes. Please just be quiet for 5 minutes." I woul hardly even hear him over my own voice. "I bet you can't even do it,: he would challenge me. But he was right. So I deserve it, but I don't deserve this headache. And the constant squeaky up and down and incessant rambling emotion-practicing dramatic talking is only compounded by Eden's constant whining.

Not that she is sick or unhappy, but she gets upset anytime anyone move around the room without bringing her along. Every time she crawls into one room following us, we turn around and walk back to somewhere else, and this is maddening. And although I can usually accommodate or have patience for this, I HAVE A MIGRAINE. So I just want them to be quiet and go play in the other room.

MY EYE IS TWITCHING. I mean, how do you stop that from happening, anyway?

Also, Madee is "childproofing" the house which means she hands me everything to keep away from Eden. Babies, puzzles, stuffed animals, bins of toys, baby strollers, her potty, you name it. And if I try to put it back down, even if she is in the other room, she comes and stacks everything back on top of me again.

And as adorable as this may sound in retelling it, it is something that is currently getting on my nerves.

If I try to go into another room to avoid the shrill loudness of either of them, if I am in the kitchen getting anything for them, either or both of them are clinging to my leg and I KID YOU NOT I am afraid I am going to get hurt because they don't afford me the space to move about safely.

STEP AWAY FROM THE MOM!

It has been days, if not WEEKS since I have had moments to myself. Or for Charlie. So it will still be quite some time before I get a quiet - untouched - ungroped moment to myself. Who knows what I will do with it? I have so many lists of things I want to accomplish from laundry to photo shoots to learning more about this whole blogging thing, and all these lists of things we NEED to buy when our next paycheck comes in, and all these lists of things I only WISH I could afford and these things are not even all that frivolous, really.

I mean is a pair of jeans that fits in a way that doesn't make me want to spend ANOTHER day in my yoga pants or a bra my girls don't constantly make their way out of too much to ask? Well yes, I guess they are. I would need the time to go somewhere without my children, with extra money, and enough self confidence to keep trying jeans on until I found something that wasn't a hideous distortion of my already challenged 'after baby' body.

I used to go shopping every Friday or whenever I got paid, and I bought skin cream, or make up, or new boots or earrings just something for a jumping off point for some outfit for the weekend. Thank God I spoiled myself then, because it is OVER, I tell you.

And that is just obvious by looking at my tired baggy eyes and my dirty hair wearing the shirt that is the least stained from my closet.

Woah.

I already feel better having gotten that little rant out.

Or maybe my Prozac kicked in.

Seriously, how do you get rid of that eye twitching thing?

Anyhoo, on to the cuteness part of my kids.


Madee received a kid's digital camera for Christmas, and she has been rather interested in it lately. Yesterday, when she had her Baby and was dancing, I said "take a picture with Baby!" and she was all about posing.
She LOVES to dance.

And she put her outfit together. She puts her boots on all by herself now. An sometimes on the right feet!

So, she has this camera an hands me Baby, and says, "Mom! Picture with Baby! Click!"

She kills me with her cuteness. Everyday she acts more and more like me.

From the way she says "Heeeeyyyyy." the way I do when Dad enters the room, and the way she runs to comfort anything that falls to the floor "You okay, Baby?" to the way she covers her mouth when she giggles.

But I am really excited about this 'joy of camera' thing. I am putting batteries in it today so I can start to see what she is seeing. Maybe she will even start a photo post on the blog.

Oh the Weather Outside is Weather

I am mush. There are moments in my day when I really do have so many things to say and so many articulate ways of saying it, only I can't get to my computer, or I have no online access, or I can't even find a flippin pen and some paper.

And once the stars align and I actually have a chance, I have no words, no thoughts, nothing that can really successfully get out of me.

I am so disorganized and even when I pull it together, I still look so disheveled wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday and these dogs barking incessantly at anything that moves just makes me look even more disheveled.

I miss Bela.

I miss anyone who could possibly successfully and happily take these kids from me for a few hours on a regular basis.

I miss having a big house filled with toys and areas for independent playtime and I can't believe I used to get so mad at the phone calls that would knock me off line when now I have too much on my plate to even be online if I had regular access at all.


For those of you who don't know, my doctor was nice enough to prescribe some Prozac for me, because, well, I needed it.

I don't like to say things like that out loud because I feel like it is an admission of defeat, and I hate feeling defeated.

Which is just another reason I agreed to the Prozac.

So I am actually feeling SO MUCH better than I would if I didn't have it. Thanks Dr. K.

Loss is huge. It is just hard to keep your self charging forward when you have lost something, be it someone close to you, or a job. Or a house. Or even just loss of sleep.

And although it used to be easy to crawl up in a ball and sleep it off or withdraw to some quiet place to sort things through, there is no place like that now. There is no quiet, there is no sleep, there is no moment alone to figure anything out.

I feel so behind in dishes or laundry or cleaning or writing or photos or, god I can't even get everyone out of the door and into the car in the morning fast enough.

I can't get diapers changed fast enough, food readied in time, I have all these beings literally SCREAMING at me to do all these things for them and, well, it isn't easy.


Madee's new favorite movie is "Annie".
And we sing "Hard Knock Life" and "Tomorrow" all the time.
Even if tomorrow is only a day away, it seems to be closing in on me too soon. When I sing the song at the top of my lungs it is uplifting. When I lay down to go to sleep at night, and sometimes I really wonder why I bother, since we won't be sleeping much anyway, well the truth is I know that tomorrow will be filled with my inability to meet everybody's needs, and the resultant tantrums/disappointment/misery.

Only, always , a day away.

And Christmas is what, 20 days away?

Way too few tomorrows for me to prepare for that.


Although Carol Burnett is hysterical, and her drunken, little girl hating Ms. Hannigan makes me laugh every time. And she makes me feel better about how I actually do relate to Madee and Ida.

Plus now I can tell the kids to stop crying or they get to go live with Ms. Hannigan.

Madee would go for it, too, she loves the scenes in the orphanage with all the singing and dancing little girls.

All that said, I actually don't act all surly and crappy all the time - I can't! I have little kids! And when they aren't screaming at me, we are trying our damnedest to enjoy ourselves and play so hard that they are worn out enough to sleep.

Well it is almost 7 AM so I have to stop the "feeling and talking" now and start trying to keep up with everybody's daily schedule and be a good mom.

It's my job, and although quite thankless and underpaid, it is the best job I have ever had and I want to make good with my bosses.

Even if they are so hard to please.

I hope you enjoyed the many shells and treasures I found at low tide the other day. And then when I cleaned the RV the other day I found this, a little something from home that somehow makes me feel better.

Meanwhile, I will be picking up my chin, and grinning, and saying, "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow, oh, look, you are already here."

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** IMPORTANTE!**

If you have my phone number, please DO NOT call me to talk about this. If I wanted to talk about it with you, I would have called you, this right here is my way of talking about it, and that needs to be it. Respect me enough to know it was hard enough for me to admit how I feel in the first place and just let me go live with the guilt of those feelings.