Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Oh the Weather Outside is Weather

I am mush. There are moments in my day when I really do have so many things to say and so many articulate ways of saying it, only I can't get to my computer, or I have no online access, or I can't even find a flippin pen and some paper.

And once the stars align and I actually have a chance, I have no words, no thoughts, nothing that can really successfully get out of me.

I am so disorganized and even when I pull it together, I still look so disheveled wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday and these dogs barking incessantly at anything that moves just makes me look even more disheveled.

I miss Bela.

I miss anyone who could possibly successfully and happily take these kids from me for a few hours on a regular basis.

I miss having a big house filled with toys and areas for independent playtime and I can't believe I used to get so mad at the phone calls that would knock me off line when now I have too much on my plate to even be online if I had regular access at all.

For those of you who don't know, my doctor was nice enough to prescribe some Prozac for me, because, well, I needed it.

I don't like to say things like that out loud because I feel like it is an admission of defeat, and I hate feeling defeated.

Which is just another reason I agreed to the Prozac.

So I am actually feeling SO MUCH better than I would if I didn't have it. Thanks Dr. K.

Loss is huge. It is just hard to keep your self charging forward when you have lost something, be it someone close to you, or a job. Or a house. Or even just loss of sleep.

And although it used to be easy to crawl up in a ball and sleep it off or withdraw to some quiet place to sort things through, there is no place like that now. There is no quiet, there is no sleep, there is no moment alone to figure anything out.

I feel so behind in dishes or laundry or cleaning or writing or photos or, god I can't even get everyone out of the door and into the car in the morning fast enough.

I can't get diapers changed fast enough, food readied in time, I have all these beings literally SCREAMING at me to do all these things for them and, well, it isn't easy.

Madee's new favorite movie is "Annie".
And we sing "Hard Knock Life" and "Tomorrow" all the time.
Even if tomorrow is only a day away, it seems to be closing in on me too soon. When I sing the song at the top of my lungs it is uplifting. When I lay down to go to sleep at night, and sometimes I really wonder why I bother, since we won't be sleeping much anyway, well the truth is I know that tomorrow will be filled with my inability to meet everybody's needs, and the resultant tantrums/disappointment/misery.

Only, always , a day away.

And Christmas is what, 20 days away?

Way too few tomorrows for me to prepare for that.

Although Carol Burnett is hysterical, and her drunken, little girl hating Ms. Hannigan makes me laugh every time. And she makes me feel better about how I actually do relate to Madee and Ida.

Plus now I can tell the kids to stop crying or they get to go live with Ms. Hannigan.

Madee would go for it, too, she loves the scenes in the orphanage with all the singing and dancing little girls.

All that said, I actually don't act all surly and crappy all the time - I can't! I have little kids! And when they aren't screaming at me, we are trying our damnedest to enjoy ourselves and play so hard that they are worn out enough to sleep.

Well it is almost 7 AM so I have to stop the "feeling and talking" now and start trying to keep up with everybody's daily schedule and be a good mom.

It's my job, and although quite thankless and underpaid, it is the best job I have ever had and I want to make good with my bosses.

Even if they are so hard to please.

I hope you enjoyed the many shells and treasures I found at low tide the other day. And then when I cleaned the RV the other day I found this, a little something from home that somehow makes me feel better.

Meanwhile, I will be picking up my chin, and grinning, and saying, "tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you tomorrow, oh, look, you are already here."


If you have my phone number, please DO NOT call me to talk about this. If I wanted to talk about it with you, I would have called you, this right here is my way of talking about it, and that needs to be it. Respect me enough to know it was hard enough for me to admit how I feel in the first place and just let me go live with the guilt of those feelings.


Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know that every single mom out there understands this post! Sending you POWER!

Jaime said...

Hannigan has always been my idol. Nuff said.

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