Monday, August 16, 2010

120 mph and no steering wheel

Hey Madee! Want to take a bath?

I mean I don't think I can even put words to my bath time struggle, but I am telling you, this girl? Doesn't want to bathe, shower, or be wiped down and please DON'T even THINK about washing her hair.

She will unleash a fury on you. 45 pounds of NO WATER fury.

Oh, but ask her if she wants to go to the water park?


Um, yes, this kid. She can literally reduce me to tears. Bath time has always been so traumatic whatever tip or tricks I use.

I mean, no mother wants to feel like she is almost drowning her kid when she bathes her - I can't stand the fight. Alot of nights we don't have it.

Plus, I mean, I don't want to make it worse for her, I figure she will grow into bathing, and I keep her clean enough - I mean I have been known to get her out in the sprinkler (fun) until she sees some soap.

Smart kid.

Um, yah.
This kid doesn't like getting her hair wet.

Technically? She doesn't like not being in control. But she is too young to have a reasonable expectation for herself, or the skills to put that into motion.


So I resort to this.
I am pretty sure she is doing Tai Chi or something here - I know without video you don't get the full effect, but maybe you can see it.

She's a dancer.
And an actress.
And a diva.
If you could see a picture of my heart - the fear, the love, the joy, the madness, the untamed raw passion and let's not forget the piss and vinegar - it would look just like her face.

Oh, and this one.
And this one.

They are so spectacular and no one could have ever prepared me for how I feel about them.

But if I had to put it in words?

I feel like I am going 120 mph and my steering wheel isn't connected to anything it is supposed to be guiding.
Madee is in this fragile place where she is too independent too listen to me, and too unsure to venture out on her own.

It is frustrating for both of us.

But it is also bringing to light the ways in which we can meet in the middle.

Because she isn't always going to be this little girl.

One day she will be a woman.

Like me.

Possibly a mom.

Like me.

And I want us to be connected in a positive, loving, meaningful way.

And the weight of that is ENORMOUS for me.

I don't want to mess up.

But I have always messed up.

This is the first time I am so proud that I could have maybe done something right, these babies.
And I can't mess up.
(anymore than I already have)
((nothing specific, just non-appropriated mommy guilt!))

I want her to love herself like I love her.
And like her father loves her.
I want her to believe in herself and the things she can do.

And it would be nice if she one day bathes regularly.
But for now, thank you splash park, next time we are bringing soap!


Katherine Klegin said...

cutest little girl in the world. even if she does give you trouble. ;-) if it makes you feel any better, i used to refuse to take baths as well. I'm proud to say that I now shower daily.

Krajcimama said...

I hate thinking about the fact that some day my daughter is going to be a woman and maybe (hopefully) a mother and wife. I try not to dwell on it but I also try to remember it every once in a while as a "you better enjoy every minute you have" kind of reminder.

Beautiful pictures! Love the faces she makes and the adorable little bikini she is sporting! Looks to me like you have a pretty happy gal - so you must be doing at least some things right! :)

LittleBoyGreen said...

She is such a cutie!

I totally think taking all of the bath supplies to the water park and let her clean herself is a great idea. Ok, maybe that's not socially acceptable!

pthsmonkey said...

OH MY GOODNESS! That tunny is to die for!! She is so freaking adorable my head hurts looking at her. She looks happy and healthy and ready to take on the world! Good going Momma!

Anonymous said...

As long as I've known you, you've been great at everything you do.

Family Sized Fun said...

KK? so glad to hear there is hope for her in the future!
also, so glad to hear that you bathe.

KMAMA? i know! sigh. they grow up so fast.

LBG? we care nothing of social acceptance in *that* particular neighborhood!

monkey? her cuteness does hurt.
that tummy? raspberried daily.

anon? i *may* have a bridge to sell you...

Adrienne said...


You know why it hurts my heart so so so much to read this.

Why I am weeping.

Why I love you.

Someday? You'll have a hard time getting her OUT of the bathroom.

For now? I'm so glad you are embracing her juicy, abundant wonderfulness.

Water is water, wherever you get it. Soap? Meh.

Family Sized Fun said...

so glad you are with me
juicy like crazy
i drink her up every day
to the last drop

Babydreams2011 said...

She didn't smell bad any of the times I snuggled her! A+ for you!

mylittlebecky said...

GoodNESS, that's one adorable babeh. want to squeeeeze! :)

Anthony Aspesi said...

That was a heartwarming post. :)

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