120 mph and no steering wheel

Hey Madee! Want to take a bath?




I mean I don't think I can even put words to my bath time struggle, but I am telling you, this girl? Doesn't want to bathe, shower, or be wiped down and please DON'T even THINK about washing her hair.

She will unleash a fury on you. 45 pounds of NO WATER fury.

Oh, but ask her if she wants to go to the water park?

YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!


Um, yes, this kid. She can literally reduce me to tears. Bath time has always been so traumatic whatever tip or tricks I use.

I mean, no mother wants to feel like she is almost drowning her kid when she bathes her - I can't stand the fight. Alot of nights we don't have it.

Plus, I mean, I don't want to make it worse for her, I figure she will grow into bathing, and I keep her clean enough - I mean I have been known to get her out in the sprinkler (fun) until she sees some soap.

Smart kid.

Um, yah.
This kid doesn't like getting her hair wet.

Technically? She doesn't like not being in control. But she is too young to have a reasonable expectation for herself, or the skills to put that into motion.

Sigh.

So I resort to this.
I am pretty sure she is doing Tai Chi or something here - I know without video you don't get the full effect, but maybe you can see it.

She's a dancer.
And an actress.
And a diva.
If you could see a picture of my heart - the fear, the love, the joy, the madness, the untamed raw passion and let's not forget the piss and vinegar - it would look just like her face.

Oh, and this one.
And this one.


They are so spectacular and no one could have ever prepared me for how I feel about them.

But if I had to put it in words?

I feel like I am going 120 mph and my steering wheel isn't connected to anything it is supposed to be guiding.
Madee is in this fragile place where she is too independent too listen to me, and too unsure to venture out on her own.

It is frustrating for both of us.

But it is also bringing to light the ways in which we can meet in the middle.

Because she isn't always going to be this little girl.

One day she will be a woman.

Like me.

Possibly a mom.

Like me.

And I want us to be connected in a positive, loving, meaningful way.

And the weight of that is ENORMOUS for me.

I don't want to mess up.

But I have always messed up.

This is the first time I am so proud that I could have maybe done something right, these babies.
And I can't mess up.
(anymore than I already have)
((nothing specific, just non-appropriated mommy guilt!))

I want her to love herself like I love her.
And like her father loves her.
I want her to believe in herself and the things she can do.

And it would be nice if she one day bathes regularly.
But for now, thank you splash park, next time we are bringing soap!