Wednesday, August 25, 2010

It's Raining...Mostly.

I may have the tendency to run around in circles before I really get going.

I am not promoting that, it just seems to be what I do.

There are days when everything just seems so much bigger then me.
EveryONE seems so much bigger than me.

Okay not EVERYTHING seems bigger than me.
Like my bank account.

::sigh::

Sometimes?
I am insecure. Questioning so many things that I am/do/believe, and it can become exhausting.
I am tired of not doing things "just right".

I am tired of not being sure.
I am, well, just a tired person in general, so it makes the "fight" seem like more opposition than it even is.

Can't win, why try?
What is winning anyway?

There are battles and there are wars, my friends, and beyond that is a reconstruction and restoration period which can seem so much like more battles and war.

Life isn't a race.
There IS no clear winner.

::harumph::

Those just seem like some stupid odds.

The kids push me around.
Because I am tired, I give in, I can't see the winner's tape for all the sweat in my eyes.

And I KNOW I am lucky I have what I have. I know I have more than so many others.
I know it will never be "too easy".
And that if it looks "too easy" for someone else?
Chances are they break down and cry sometimes too.

And that is okay.

There is just no ribbons or trophies or awards of the month for the things I struggle to accomplish.

And maybe that is just the way things are, but when I am trying to establish a reward system for the kids, I just start to doubt that it will ever work, and then if it does work, won't it be pointless anyway when there just aren't rewards like that in life? And if they don't meet the criteria for the rewards am I just setting them up for failure/insecurity/a lack of worth?

What am I teaching them anyway?

Today, I feel very fortunate, but I also feel like I am daily defeated by what naturally works against me.

And tired.

I feel that too.

5 comments:

Babe_Chilla said...

You need an award for being an AWESOME support person to your insane online friends :D

I luff yous!

Tricia said...

I totally agree with Brandee. You deserve a reward for just being you! You make me smile at least a thousand times a day. I can be having the worst day ever but you can turn it around with a simple tweet or text! You rock Momma!

Family Sized Fun said...

awww
wish YOU TWO were my kids
they may never think i'm so cool...
thanks ladies
it really means a super LOT!

Adrienne said...

Been there. Sometimes I live there. I feel defeated, overwhelmed, exhausted. Not depressed (that's different, a whole different animal), but just whipped.

And I want to try. Or I want to WANT to try, which seems like the same thing. But isn't.

And yes, you are blessed. As am I. Still? It's hard.

Love you.

Anonymous said...

I love you babe. I am sorry some days are a struggle. We go through weeks when it seems that most days are a struggle. And then there are weeks that everything is perfect. Thanks for fighting for this family. As frustrating and difficult as times can be, I know we are working toward something great. Not every day feels that way, but we are making progress. Thanks for being my partner in all of this......craziness.

Love you

BBVD

 
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