Tuesday, August 10, 2010

It's Kind of a Big Deal

I am almost scared to even write this, but I think the PPD is gone.

I don't really know what happened, if it is the fact that I am back home with my friends and family, or maybe my hormones have balanced out, or maybe I just weathered the storm of having two babies back to back, but I feel different.

I will also say that finally finding a great church has helped tremendously. I pray a lot. I am more deliberate with my actions with my kids.

I am still a little "depressed", (always have been) and I will continue to take my medicine. But I feel I have returned to a state of "normal for me". And I don't think I am just doing this on my own, but in conjunction with several things meant to make the demons go away.

And they are demons.

I always wanted to be a mother. So it has been hard to be a mother, yet not feel the way a mother could/should.

I have felt guilt and anger and rage and all these emotions that I never expected.

It has taken a year of fighting it. And it has taken a lot of forgiveness. It continues to take a lot of forgiveness. But I am moving forward.

The kids still get on my nerves sometimes. But in a totally controllable way. I still get overwhelmed by the screaming and crying. But I feel different. I feel - I don't know - a lot more like "me" and a lot less like this big dark monster is trying to take me over from the inside.
I don't cry in the closet.
I don't raise my voice with every statement.
I don't feel overtaken by fear and doubt and the pain of trying to understand myself.

I feel like a mother.
A good mother.
A mother who is free to love her kids.

It is a step in the right direction. And although I am sure that the experiences ahead of me as a mother will be trying and there will be a reasonable amount of bad days, I feel like I am ready to take them on now.

And it's kind of a big deal.

For all of us.


Jo said...

Oh honey, I'm so happy for you. I remember when I was so angry and sad and just GAH all of the time and when I realized that was (for the most part) gone I just cried.

Feeling a little sniffly for you today. Happy sniffly though.

Family Sized Fun said...

thanks jo
GAH is totally the feeling
happy tears over here too
and "for the most part"
is perfect
a cloud has been lifted
a nasty nasty cloud

Katherine Klegin said...

So happy for you!!!! I pray for you every day!

Family Sized Fun said...

awe, thanks K
i am glad we are prayer partners
it's working!
you are often on my mind...

Jamie (va_grown) said...

So glad you're feeling more like yourself! Praying sunshine thoughts for you!

TheNextMartha said...

Huge deal and conngrats to the end. Love and hugs to you and your family.

Family Sized Fun said...

sunshine thoughts ROCK!

thank for the love and hugs
my tweeps really helped me over the hump!

Meredith said...

This is wonderful to read and gives me hope that I will get there too--thanks.

Anonymous said...

I am SO happy for you! This post makes me smile :D

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

Very very very happy to hear that!!

I love hearing things like this.

pthsmonkey said...

Congratulations love!I am so happy for you. Maybe there is hope out there for the rest of us :)

Family Sized Fun said...

thanks guys!
your support is overwhelming!
especially since this *one* kid i know
has been a total crank and is making me think harder.

nah. it really is better.
but it is hard when i am tired.
i appreciate all the lifting, ladies!

Marcy said...

"I always wanted to be a mother. So it has been hard to be a mother, yet not feel the way a mother could/should."

Ditto. That. Totally. I often feel like I'm missing some "mommy gene" or something.

So glad to hear that you're feeling so much better. PPD sucks balls.

Family Sized Fun said...

funny what the difference is
between ideal and reality
it's a long walk from one to the other
thanks for being there, mama.

Blair@HeirtoBlair said...

this makes my heart so happy.

ashley_doodle said...

Thanks you aremaking me feel like I will survive like I can make it out of this! Thanks so much.

BrerMatt said...

Love you.

Family Sized Fun said...

blair - thanks!
you were a part of my journey

ashley? you will overcome this.
stay strong.
keep moving forward.
finds small ways to let your light shine.

Adrienne said...

I am so very, very happy for you. I never had PPD, but I have had some deep, long, dark depressions. Life is very bright on the other side of that.

kris said...

If the joy I have seen in your writing has been through a fog?

Then I cannot wait to see what happens next.

Much love.

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