It's Kind of a Big Deal

I am almost scared to even write this, but I think the PPD is gone.

I don't really know what happened, if it is the fact that I am back home with my friends and family, or maybe my hormones have balanced out, or maybe I just weathered the storm of having two babies back to back, but I feel different.

I will also say that finally finding a great church has helped tremendously. I pray a lot. I am more deliberate with my actions with my kids.

I am still a little "depressed", (always have been) and I will continue to take my medicine. But I feel I have returned to a state of "normal for me". And I don't think I am just doing this on my own, but in conjunction with several things meant to make the demons go away.

And they are demons.

I always wanted to be a mother. So it has been hard to be a mother, yet not feel the way a mother could/should.

I have felt guilt and anger and rage and all these emotions that I never expected.

It has taken a year of fighting it. And it has taken a lot of forgiveness. It continues to take a lot of forgiveness. But I am moving forward.

The kids still get on my nerves sometimes. But in a totally controllable way. I still get overwhelmed by the screaming and crying. But I feel different. I feel - I don't know - a lot more like "me" and a lot less like this big dark monster is trying to take me over from the inside.
I don't cry in the closet.
I don't raise my voice with every statement.
I don't feel overtaken by fear and doubt and the pain of trying to understand myself.

I feel like a mother.
A good mother.
A mother who is free to love her kids.

It is a step in the right direction. And although I am sure that the experiences ahead of me as a mother will be trying and there will be a reasonable amount of bad days, I feel like I am ready to take them on now.

And it's kind of a big deal.

For all of us.