Monday, July 26, 2010

Bodily Fluid-palooza

So it looks like we sold the RV.

And having done so, we went to go pick it up from the lot it was sitting at on consignment.

In Sebring.

A good 2 hours away.

And the first half of the ride certainly wasn't super, but the way back I was driving the girls and dogs by myself, which means no extra hands for entertaining and tending to things.

It was hot.

Like, really really really hot.

And Eden has decided to scream the entire drive home.

Madee was trying to take a nap at some point, but Eden kept waking her up by screaming or pulling her hair, whichever was more convenient.

It was awful.

It was really really really hot and awful and its only highlight was this trucker was totally signaling me that I was a hottie, but let's face it, he didn't have a very close look.

But thank you, trucker, because it was so nice to be thought of, for a moment at least, as something else than whatever it is these two kids think I am, even if it was really creepy.

::air kiss::
No seriously, keep driving creepy trucker.

Anyhoo, it was a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong drive, as you can imagine, and as we were pulling into our neighborhood and our driveway, I see that Eden is starting to look like she has worn herself out.

And Madee looks umm, tired, too. Tired, I think.

I leave the car on, air running, and grab Madee out of her booster and carry her into the house.

She's looking a little woozy and says "water" and I say, "Just a minute honey, I have to go grab your sister out of the running car."

I toss her a wet washcloth.

She tosses her cookies.
All over the couch.
All over herself.
All over her precious teetees (blankets)
All over the floor.

And I just kinda yell at her to get off the couch, and she's horrified that she is throwing up in the first place, so WHY AM I YELLING? Because I DON'T KNOW!

And I pull her off the couch onto the floor and she's still throwing up and the baby and the dog are still out in the running car.

And I want to just run away.

But I don't. It's gross. There is puke everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

I grab Madee, and a chair, set her up at the kitchen sink and tell her to start washing her hands.

I gotta run get Eden.

So I run out to the car and Eden is STILL SCREAMING and Zeus is barking, and I pull her out of the car, throw her into the house, run back, turn off the car, grab Zeus, keep a hold of his collar the entire time I walk him into the house, lest he run off/bark incessantly/gobble up all the cat food - because that dog will eat anything. ANYTHING!

The doors are still open on the car.

Madee is still crying but she has stayed puke free at the kitchen sink. Eden's diaper is is about to break open it is so full, so I pull at the tabs and it falls with a thud to the floor.

NO NO NO NO NO!!! BAD BAD BAD DOG!! Zeus is eating the puke that is ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM, so I grab him and throw him outside where he begins the incessant barking.

I turn around and throw Madee in the kitchen sink and start scrubbing her - puke is everywhere - in her hair, on her back, she is absolutely covered, I am gagging, dog is barking, Eden is making crazy screamy noises in the corner and have I mentioned Madee doesn't like to get her hair washed? Because

And now she is screaming BLOODY MURDER, in case her previous screaming wasn't enough.

But I have to run check on Eden, who is screaming in the corner, I can only guess to alert me of some terrible thing that has happened in the corner and oh, yes, a huge turd.

Well, that is something to scream about.

Remove baby from turd corner.
Zeus is barking.
Madee is crying.
Eden is doing that thing where she won't stand or lay down.
How is this baby so stiff?


So back to Madee, she needs to be rinsed (more screaming) and dried off, just heaving crying at this point.
Dog barking.
Baby screaming.
I turn around.

The other dog has the turd in her mouth.
I run to get said dog to throw her outside.

Slip in a pee puddle.
God only knows whose it is.

Remove turd.

Remove everything that has been puked on, and thankfully I cover everything in blankets, just in case of major catastrophes (but this is ridiculous).

Throw everything in the washer.

Diaper Eden, pour milk, throw her in her crib.

Diaper Madee, warm Sprite, in bed watching Diego.

This kind of thing NEVER happened when I worked at Starbucks.
I totally need a raise.

And a glass of wine.

PS I shut the car doors. Eventually.
PSS The dog is STILL barking.


Anonymous said...

Oh noes! You handled it like a trooper.

I will buy you a drink.


Jamie said...

Oh. My. God. That is a nightmare.

Katherine Klegin said...

oh my goodness. i know it must've been horrible for you.

just so you know i'm...i'm laughing really hard. please don't hate me forever.

this is the kind of memory you're going to want to recall later. :-P a good madee or eden wedding story perhaps...

The Corbett Kid. said...

in that moment when everything that could go wrong does.... oy. i am so sorry for you! but that said, i had a good chuckle. hahahahahahahaha

Anonymous said...

God bless you. I thought it was bad when yesterday one of my dogs got sick and one of the other ones proceeded to eat it.

I hope you had that glass of wine (or 4).

Anonymous said...

So sorry I couldn't be there. No really, I am so sorry. BBVD

Jayde said...

He's not sorry.

Jerseygyrl said...

Dude, you shoulda asked me to go with you! I totally would have rode out.. I am trying not to cry with laughter and for that I'm "kiiiinda" sorry.. But only a little... Hope Madee is feeling better though!

Adriana said...

I read this and hung my head because I too have had days like this...too many to count~ Have comfort knowing that you have someone who "gets" everything you are writing about! Two kids under 3...Are we NUTS!! Please know that I am here anytime you need a friend~ although I'm far away in Idaho :o) Hugs! Thanks for putting what it feels like to words that paint a picture!
Cheers :) Adriana

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