Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Project Mom Submish

So I have heard there is this new reality show they are casting for at BlogHer '10 (I'm not going) and I have seen some of the submissions so far and they just really seem so far off reality as I know it. In fact, I am almost grossed out that so many perfect moms who are so perfect on the perfect little blogs with their perfect textbook cases of perfectly moving stories or bunches of readers and oh the giveaways and well?

To me? All blogs are now the same.

In fact, this is my 5th blog and I have NEVER done a giveaway or an ad or a review, and although I jumped on the bandwagon to dotcom myself, I also jumped back off because I don't want just another cookie cutter stepford wifing, crafting, mothering, cooking, and creating my own kooky language that only my kids and readers who wish they were my kids would understand.

Nobody stalks me, I have no blog rival, I don't even understand how to get plugged into mommy-blogger drama and I am barely keeping my eyes open over here much less made up with mascara (like I even shower regularly) and posing for the camera.

My family is loud, I yell a lot, and I have 2 kids under 3 that equal half my body weight but always want to be held. Though exquisitely beautiful, these little creatures are trying to beat me like the dead horse I wake up looking/smelling like and I am just trying not to lose it one day at a time.

I don't talk about my loss, my depression, or my traumatic life experiences on my blog the way other mom-bloggers do because I only have the same stupid problems everybody else has, and they seem to make their problems sound SO MUCH better/worse than mine that I can only make fun of myself and make jokes to laugh through the pain which may possibly set me apart but mostly serves to keep me from crying.

I don't cry often, but if I start, it may go on for several days. Okay, seconds, because if I just stick in the movie Stepbrothers I will laugh so hard I can't cry anymore anyway. (I am totally in platonic love with funnyman/hairybeast Will Ferrell.)

I am recently located to my hometown, and launching a career as Pet Photographer in stinking sweaty hot Orlando, FL. So I am certainly trying to shower more often, lest I run into anybody I dated in high school. My degree is in English/Technical Writing, but only so I can claim to "poetic license" to get away with my own bad grammar and spelling.


I am socially awkward and internet famous but not for being nice or anything.
My idea of dressing up is putting on a bra and earrings and I could stand to do it a little bit more often. I'm pretty cool as along as my Prozac is filled, my coffee cup is in hand and nobody is screaming at me, but seriously, my kids are pretty much always screaming at me.

We have 2 dogs that are always barking and 2 kittens that would be fearing for their lives from the 14 month old that is always trying to pop their adorable little heads off if they had the sense God gave a chicken.

These kids are the future of comedy, they are "in the 95 percentile" (which means nothing to me except that there are, somewhere, LARGER KIDS) and therefore seem huge next to other children their age (Godzilla Baby Wins!) and they are "breathtakingly beautiful" (someone else's words, not mine) and I spend a lot of my life in parentheses (trying to explain/rationalize/take back what I just said.)

Anyhoo, I am the Ally Sheedy of your mommy bloggers Breakfast Club and I want to kick Molly Ringwald's ass for still looking so pretty after having 4 kids and actually being able to afford lipgloss.

I was a much better mother before I had kids and I was just this annoying drunken single girl telling other people how to raise theirs at 6 in the morning at the IHOP.

People hate me. Then they love me. Then they join witness relocation because because maybe I'm not "right". Then they get the "itis" and start getting all twitchy and obsessed and want to wear my skin to their next birthday party. Whatever. I make new friends easily.

Why should you pick me for Project Mom? I will make all the other mothers seems so serious and professional and cultured.

Here's my video.


TheNextMartha said...

It's really too bad you don't live closer. I could use a companion who's kids scream at them all day. Maybe we could sip wine in a closet together.

Jo said...

I love you. That is all.

litanyofbritt said...

Wanna be best friends?

Family Sized Fun said...

in the future, EVERYBODY will be my best friend for 15 minutes!

Genina said...

Love, love, love you! Seriously... if you're not part of my family through some sort of crazy family tree, will you adopt me?


Ketchup CHIPS!

meagan, the pretend writer said...

i would vote for you! mwah!

Anonymous said...

You totally lied in this post. You SO have a stalker (I may not be good at stealth but I'm so stalking the shit out of you.) and you know it!

Great post! Umm by the way I'm working real hard on getting to come visit you when you are back in my neck of the woods and I'm SO not bringing my 4 screaming little humans.

Raising Madison said...

I love this post. So perfect and hilarious.

The Corbett Kid. said...

this post was my favourite thing i have read today.

Family Sized Fun said...

aww, thanks TCK - sometimes i think the only one reading is my dad!

Jack said...

I don't understand this who reality/blogger thing anyway.

Loralee Choate said...

Good post. I think it was wonderful. I do many of the things you mentioned but I blog what I'm comfortable or need to blog about, pick and choose what fits, and reject what doesn't and it seems like you do exactly the same and that is what makes it so individual! Different is always a breath of fresh air! Fingers crossed for you!!!! :) xo

Anonymous said...


Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

You had me at "former gypsies."

DadStreet said...

About this whole best friend thing for 15 minutes...When do those 15 minutes actually start? Actually, could I break up those 15 minutes? Perhaps we could be BFF's for 1 minute per day for 2 weeks? At least this way I could get used to the idea before we no longer spoke. It's just a thought but one to consider. If in fact, I can't break up my minutes could I carry them over? Say I don't use all my minutes at one time...yes, yes, I realize it's just 15 but it's possible. I want to make sure I get all my minutes...especially considering I'm paying for them. No, you didn't mention a cost but every friendship has a cost. Hey great post and glad to call you my BFF even if it's only for 15 minutes.

Family Sized Fun said...

hi dadstreet!
unfortunately, it took me 15 minutes to read that comment
so you are done
HA! just kidding!
actually, we will fit you in
to a rollover plan
the cost?
it's all karmic
i never know what horrible thing someone has done
that karma would make them friends with me
but i am that place where
karma bites you back in the ass
just ask Boom Boom.
poor buddy!

Family Sized Fun said...

you are AWESOME
i would vote for you
of the submissions i've seen

but i am still jealous about the lipgloss!

Jerseygyrl said...

C'mon on now, you know I TOTALLY stalk you! Hey, tell that dog to get off the couch.. No, that's not me looking in your window.... I miss you all terribly! When I get back from NJ in a few weeks we need to get together, I need some Madee love!
I would vote for you in a heartbeat!


Allison said...

you are too funny! i'd vote for you. i got your message about Sept. Call or email me when you're here!

carissa said...

Oh my gosh I almost died watching that... Of laughter and also "how do you handle it?!" I'm new here but I think I started with the perfect entry. I love it! So honest, yet poignant. I don't know you well but I think I also would like to be your best friend/stalker, if that's cool with you.

Family Sized Fun said...

oh, carissa, you had me at
"I will write today’s name down on a piece of paper and stomp on it, just like I did to my best friend in the 9th grade when she made me angry."

::air kiss::

Dizzy Girl said...

I love you for posting this about Blogher. I just...no...never ever EVER want to go. I've read so many horror stories about selfish swag thieves and drama and I just don't ever want to be a part of it.

Also agree about blogging. I don't have ads. I don't do reviews. I don't have giveaways. I don't compete. Blogging is more about "what can YOU give ME" than sharing experiences or just posting silly things. It's sad.

But yes, I totally love you for posting this. :)

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