Project Mom Submish

So I have heard there is this new reality show they are casting for at BlogHer '10 (I'm not going) and I have seen some of the submissions so far and they just really seem so far off reality as I know it. In fact, I am almost grossed out that so many perfect moms who are so perfect on the perfect little blogs with their perfect textbook cases of perfectly moving stories or bunches of readers and oh the giveaways and well?

To me? All blogs are now the same.

In fact, this is my 5th blog and I have NEVER done a giveaway or an ad or a review, and although I jumped on the bandwagon to dotcom myself, I also jumped back off because I don't want just another cookie cutter stepford wifing, crafting, mothering, cooking, and creating my own kooky language that only my kids and readers who wish they were my kids would understand.

Nobody stalks me, I have no blog rival, I don't even understand how to get plugged into mommy-blogger drama and I am barely keeping my eyes open over here much less made up with mascara (like I even shower regularly) and posing for the camera.

My family is loud, I yell a lot, and I have 2 kids under 3 that equal half my body weight but always want to be held. Though exquisitely beautiful, these little creatures are trying to beat me like the dead horse I wake up looking/smelling like and I am just trying not to lose it one day at a time.

I don't talk about my loss, my depression, or my traumatic life experiences on my blog the way other mom-bloggers do because I only have the same stupid problems everybody else has, and they seem to make their problems sound SO MUCH better/worse than mine that I can only make fun of myself and make jokes to laugh through the pain which may possibly set me apart but mostly serves to keep me from crying.

I don't cry often, but if I start, it may go on for several days. Okay, seconds, because if I just stick in the movie Stepbrothers I will laugh so hard I can't cry anymore anyway. (I am totally in platonic love with funnyman/hairybeast Will Ferrell.)

I am recently located to my hometown, and launching a career as Pet Photographer in stinking sweaty hot Orlando, FL. So I am certainly trying to shower more often, lest I run into anybody I dated in high school. My degree is in English/Technical Writing, but only so I can claim to "poetic license" to get away with my own bad grammar and spelling.

Ha.

I am socially awkward and internet famous but not for being nice or anything.
My idea of dressing up is putting on a bra and earrings and I could stand to do it a little bit more often. I'm pretty cool as along as my Prozac is filled, my coffee cup is in hand and nobody is screaming at me, but seriously, my kids are pretty much always screaming at me.

We have 2 dogs that are always barking and 2 kittens that would be fearing for their lives from the 14 month old that is always trying to pop their adorable little heads off if they had the sense God gave a chicken.

These kids are the future of comedy, they are "in the 95 percentile" (which means nothing to me except that there are, somewhere, LARGER KIDS) and therefore seem huge next to other children their age (Godzilla Baby Wins!) and they are "breathtakingly beautiful" (someone else's words, not mine) and I spend a lot of my life in parentheses (trying to explain/rationalize/take back what I just said.)

Anyhoo, I am the Ally Sheedy of your mommy bloggers Breakfast Club and I want to kick Molly Ringwald's ass for still looking so pretty after having 4 kids and actually being able to afford lipgloss.

I was a much better mother before I had kids and I was just this annoying drunken single girl telling other people how to raise theirs at 6 in the morning at the IHOP.

People hate me. Then they love me. Then they join witness relocation because because maybe I'm not "right". Then they get the "itis" and start getting all twitchy and obsessed and want to wear my skin to their next birthday party. Whatever. I make new friends easily.

Why should you pick me for Project Mom? I will make all the other mothers seems so serious and professional and cultured.

Here's my video.