Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Parenthood and Perfection

I am really loving the new show "Parenthood" on Tuesday nights. It is thoughtful, and seems real, and shows parents dealing with the kinds of issues that any parent may be dealing with.

I won't get into the characters or story lines, and I can't say I fully relate to any actual couple or mom on the show, but I do enjoy the writing and the acting and find myself looking forward to it every week.

I think it is on like episode 3 or 4, and every week I see a commercial during the show, plugging the show, and in it, a random microphone asks people what "parenthood" means to them.

And this lady actually says, "Parenthood is (pause) (gritted teeth) (fake smile) the most fun I have ever had."

And she REALLY bothers me.

Maybe it is because it is 11:13 and I can't get the baby to stop crying and take a freaking nap already. Maybe it is because I cannot cross the living room without one of them sucking to my leg like a leech and dragging them about the room howling at me for some reason or another. Maybe it is because I can't see 8 the eff AM without having already separated, time outed and raised my voice.

Is it rewarding? YES
life changing? you betcha
meaningful and profound in ways I just can't put words to? OF COURSE.

It is also alot of being followed and complained to, being needed and pulled at and groped. It is drying tears and negotiating toy handling. It is fighting my own urge to bite them when they bite each other. It is fighting my want to yell when they yell, freak when they get hurt, cry when they won't stop crying.

It is fighting tears and my own freak out because I HAVE TO BE AN EXAMPLE, and I know myself well enough to know that my natural examples suck. So a lot of it is also emulating the mother I want my kids to have until I somehow, by faith or practice or some act of GOD to turn into this lady. This patient, mommy who has diplomacy and communication and her right mind to wield her thoughts in every once in a while.

I hate crying it out. I hate being awoken several times in the night. I hate that last night was the first time I have slept in the same bed with my husband for over a year, and it still wasn't just us all night long.

I hate that when I wake up most mornings, I don't want to get up and take my Prozac and handle the conflict that is rousing in my living room.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY KIDS. HARD.

But the fact of the matter is that "parenthood" is not the most fun I have ever had. I mean, I have been to Disney and Universal unlimited times and I have followed the Grateful Dead and I have had a full life FULL OF FUN, with all sorts of other crappy stuff thrown in there, and I am just saying that although we DO have fun here, and we DO enjoy each other often, I just wouldn't say that the "parenthood" part of this is the most fun I have had to date.

It's hard. It hurts. I am constantly doing and redoing what they undo. I am always afraid I might lose them one day, either mentally or emotionally or physically, that I might mess up in some huge way, that I might fail them, or Boom Boom, or myself. Perfection is my arch enemy.

Being "Mom" is bigger than anything I could have imagined, read or learned without having my own children, and although I get better at parts of it, I also often finding myself just on the line of losing it or falling apart from all the pressure.

I was coloring with Madee, and I drew a cloud. I added a blue sky around it and I said, "Madee, do you know what this is? It is a cloud."

She picks up the sky blue crayon and says, "Hmmmm. NO cloud. I hep you, Mom." She scribbled the blue all over my drawing and when she was finished she said to me, "They go Mom. Cloud. PERFECT!"

She was so proud.

What does parenthood mean to me? Holding back the comment, "Well it isn't quite perfect, sweetie."

Because it is the imperfection that keeps it amazing. And the lack of perfection that makes it perfect. She makes it perfect. enough. for. me. And she doesn't deserve to always hear me in her head tell her it isn't perfect. She deserves my undying a love and my never-ending support.

Because it will never be quite perfect. And yet it already is.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Three of the most perfectly imperfect people I know.

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